An Unhinged Angel's Wings
by ElenaGilbertWarriorQueen
Summary: Elena Gilbert has watched time and time again the people she loves die. Damon's death cut her so deep that she finds herself needing to leave Mystic Falls and all of its death to cope, only she doesn't cope. Slowly, Elena becomes a shell of a person and a stranger to herself. 5x22 oneshot. Elena's point of view.


Okay, so I think I speak for everyone when I say that the TVD season finale was not okay. I'm still not over it. I am fully convinced that they will come back somehow, but five months is a long time to ponder how.

I needed to spill my emotions out in some way, so here it is. This is my take on how Elena copes with Damon and Bonnie's deaths. I tried to write it in present tense, but since most of my stories are in past tense, I might have a few tense switches in here.

Thanks to Paul and Natalie for reading, editing, and helping me out and thanks to Alexis for pre-reading for me.

…

"_The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them."_

-Elena Gilbert

_Elena, there's no way I'm psychic. I know that. But whatever I saw, or I think I saw, I have this feeling...that it's just the beginning._

I open my eyes to see nothing. Everyone is standing so close to each other. Our eyes remain on the empty space that Bonnie had filled mere seconds ago. She looked at us, at me, gave us a small sad smile and then disappeared. Literally. She just fucking disappeared. My best friend whom I've known since birth, along with Damon, the love of my life, is dead. I spell out dead in my head slowly. D…E…A…D. Dead, _dead, _**dead.** I am trying to wrap my head around what just happened, but all I can concentrate on is this annoying fucking ringing in my ears.

It's loud and obnoxious, like what used to happen when I listened to my music too loud. Only I wasn't listening to my music. I was, and still am, crumbling slowly over the devastation of losing Damon and Bonnie. I know I should try and comfort my brother or Stefan because Stefan just lost Damon and Jeremy just lost Bonnie, but I can't seem to move from the spot I'm frozen in.

A chill runs up and down my body, as a cold numbness settles in. I shiver slightly and look down. My knees are soaking in the muddy ground. Huh, when did I fall on my knees? I look back up and recoil back slightly. Alaric is kneeling in front of me. His lips are moving, but I hear nothing. Except for the fucking ringing. It is really starting to get annoying. I need a drink.

Are my emotions off? I can't tell at the moment. I don't feel any different, yet everything seems hollow. I can still feel the tears that are slowly drying on my cheeks. I can still feel the tingly sensation on my neck and wrist from when Damon touched me one last time. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel him. I could still feel my heart breaking apart piece by piece.

God, fuck this. I'm such a moron. My mother and father died. Right in front of me. So did Jenna. So did the real Alaric. John died for me. To prevent me from being a vampire. That was a waste. Isobel fucking combusted into flames. Damon died right next to me. Sort of, considering I wore my seatbelt and he didn't, but what the fuck ever. Bonnie just evaporated in front of my eyes. Everyone dies around me. Maybe I am death incarnate.

All these people dying around me isn't why I am a moron, though. The fact that I am still here, in the god-forsaken town, filled with the memories of the people I love that have died is why I'm a moron. Why the fuck am I still here? Jeremy? Yeah, he made it pretty clear when he moved out of the boarding house that he needed to be on his own. Well now it's my turn. I'm tired of making sure everyone is okay and putting their happiness before my own.

My happiness just died. So that is it. I'm done. I don't need to flip my humanity switch to just say fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

Huh…what do you know, the ringing has stopped.

"Elena!" Caroline shouts. I turn to look at her. She is standing close to Stefan. Her hand is firmly in his. "We should get you back to the dorm." She states quietly. Her eyes burn into my skin. The pity that is seeping from them is all over me. I don't need her pity.

"Fuck that," I shrug, standing up. Everyone turns to look at me. What? Are you all shocked that the princess said fuck? Well oh fucking well.

"Elena-" Alaric starts.

"Fuck that too," I interrupt. "I'm done with this town. So I'm gonna go. Do me a favor and don't try to find me." Before anyone can say anything, I disappear. Like Bonnie did. Like Damon did. Like everyone does. It's my turn.

"_I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you, Elena and it's because I love you that… I can't be selfish with you. Why you can't know this. I don't deserve you but my brother does."_

…

You know what is even more annoying than random ringing in your ears? Insufferable pounding on your hotel door. Especially since I currently have a hangover. Whoever is at my door is going to be breakfast…or lunch depending on what time it is.

I don't keep track of time any more. I haven't looked at a clock since I left Mystic Fucks and all of its shithole glory. My new life is pretty simple. Booze, blood, drugs, and then I pass out and do it all over again. It's glorious.

I groan as the pounding continues on my door. Guess they are not going away. I get up and trudge out of the bedroom, perfectly aware that I am only in underwear and a tank top. I jerk open my door, glaring at the asshole on the other side. Alaric returns my glare with just as much menace.

"What the hell do you what?" I snap.

"Jesus Christ, Elena!"

"Amen," I smile before turning around. Alaric follows me as I head from the living room to the mini kitchen.

"I have been looking everywhere for you," Alaric states.

"Well that's funny, because I'm pretty sure I told you all not to look for me." I deadpan as I put a pot of coffee on.

"And you thought we would listen? Elena, we care about you. We love you. You are in pain. It has only been two weeks since Damon died. You left Mystic Falls and have yet to make contact with anyone."

I yawn louder than necessary and lean against counter as I wait for my coffee to finish brewing. I look up at Alaric. He is staring at me intently; his arms are crossed over his chest in what I can only describe as a fatherly manner.

"I'm sorry, Alaric," I say seriously. He visible relaxes a little.

"It's okay-" He begins but I hold up my hand to cut him off.

"I don't mean I'm sorry that I disappeared, because I'm not. I'm sorry because I just don't have any fucks to give." The coffee pot beeps. I grab one of the complementary coffee mugs and fill it three-fourths of the way to the top. I open the freezer and grab the bottle of vodka. Who needs creamer? Once the alcohol is mixed thoroughly, I take a big sip of the coffee. Yeah, that's good. "I'm sorry, did you need something else?"

"Elena…" Alaric sighs. Great. "You're in pain."

"No, I'm not. I am actually quite happy. If you could leave, I can continue to be so."

"Damon died!"

"So? It was his stupid plan that got him killed. There were probably a dozen different ways to set off that explosion. I don't know why I didn't try and come up with some at the time. I guess that makes me just as stupid as him. The only difference is I'm alive now and he is dead. It's his fault."

"You don't mean that Elena. It's the grief talking."

"You know what I didn't know? That alcoholic history teachers are also certified psychologist. My mind is blown. Now, if you don't mind. I have shit to do, so please, fuck off." I down the rest of the coffee and leave the kitchen. This city was starting to bore me. It's time to leave. I enter the bedroom to pack my crap. By the time I leave, Alaric is gone. Good fucking riddance.

"_I've made a lot of choices that have gotten me here. I deserve this. I deserve to die."_

"_No. You don't."_

"_I do, Elena. It's ok. 'Cause if I'd have chosen differently, I wouldn't have met you. I'm so sorry. Done so many things to hurt you."_

"_It's okay. I forgive you."_

…

I'm dancing in a club. It looks like all of the other clubs I have been in recently, but its whatever. As long as I get the high I need, whether it's on blood, on booze, hell on whatever sends me over the edge, honestly.

The club is dark except for the neon seizure lights and the bar. The music is playing so loud that the bass shakes the entire club. There is someone pressed up behind me, shamelessly grinding my ass. I don't even know it it's a boy or a girl. Again, its whatever.

I raise my hands in the air and close my eyes. The music consumes me. I don't even feel like I am in control as I sway my hips back and forth, exciting the person behind me. Definitely a guy.

Sex…or blood? Which do I want more? The imbecile behind me would not be hard to drag outside. I guess it just depends on how cute he is. I open my eyes, seconds from turning around to see my catch of the night, but I freeze.

I can see _him_. He is standing at the bar, one arms propped against it, holding bourbon. The other arm was against his hip, his hand securely in his jean pocket.

His blue eyes pierce through me. I can't breathe. I couldn't ever breathe when he looked at me like that. It's been months since he died, months since he's looked at me like that, and yet, it still pierces my soul.

I narrow my eyes at him. Go away. I don't need you. I hate you. I quickly turn my back on him and look at my catch. He's good looking, but I'm hungry. Sex and blood. It's a win win.

…

London…Paris…Bangkok…Singapore…Hong Kong...city after city it's all the same. Booze, blood, drugs. Booze, blood, drugs. All of my memories are hazed together. I couldn't tell you what day it is, what month it is, hell, I probably can't even tell you what city I am currently in. Everything bleeds together recently.

I feel like I'm on a fast track. I stepped on when I left Hells falls and I never got off. Alaric approached me a handful of times the last few months. He was always alone. Figures. The others probably wanted nothing to do with me. After his second pop up, I began giving him a simple 'fuck off' as a greeting. The very last time he approached me, he gave me some bullshit speech about how everyone still loves me and they will all be waiting to support me when I came home.

I laughed. A lot. That was months ago. I haven't heard a word from him since. Halle-fucking-lujah.

I stumble a little as I step into the elevator of my current hotel. I am sooooo fucked up. It's great. I can barely get my room key in my door, but I manage it. I don't even remember even reaching my temporary bed after that. Only darkness. And coldness. The usual. I don't feel warmth anymore. I don't feel a lot of thing to be honest. Or I didn't.

When I start to come to, I feel like I am still high. That or I'm bat shit crazy. I may not remember exactly what I did last night, but I do know that I definitely did not bring someone home. I take a deep breath. Yeah, I'm crazy. There is no way I could be sane. Not when I can literally smell _him_. Damon. He always had this unique scent to his skin that would make my mouth water. He never needed cologne.

I can feel his coarse facial hair as it rubs against my cheek. I can feel his damp lips leaving a trail up and down my throat. For the first time in months, I feel warmth.

"Elena," I hear him whisper my name. His husky voice sends chills down my back. I shiver involuntarily. I am no longer able to control it. I need him. The worst part of it all is that I had him for those briefest of moments and I lost him. I didn't act on it soon enough to take advantage when I could, and now he's gone and there's nothing I can do to change it. If only I would have told him sooner and stopped fucking around.

I open my eyes.

I'm alone.

Fuck.

"_I know you love Stefan. And it will always be Stefan. But I love you. You should know that."_

"_I do."_

"_You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me."_

"_I like you now. Just the way you are."_

…

What is the point of life? When you are human, your life is filled with pain and suffering. Sickness. Worry. Life for a human is a repetitive cycle. I'm sure there is some way to change the cycle, but that would mean all humans would have to stop being fucking morons. Most people spend half their lives chasing the idea of true love. It is during this chase that they continue their moronic cycle. Idiots.

I never wanted to be a vampire but I would be lying if I said that I hate it. Because I don't. When I became a vampire, it is like the curtains were open. I could see how stupid my human life was. I will even admit that the first part of my vampire life, I was still acting like a human. I was so in love and walking on rainbow colored clouds and all that jazz. I _felt._ My senses were heightened. I heard the music louder, I saw the colors more vibrantly. I felt! How fucking naive. If I could travel back in time, I would go back and punch myself.

Love isn't worth fucking jack. It's pointless. Take my advice. Stick with sex. It gets you the relief you want, sometimes, without the fucking emotions. It is an obvious win win, just saying.

…

I have been traveling so much recently that everything looks the same now. The hotel rooms, the bars, the one night stands, and so on. It all has this...theme. It's repetitive and it's annoying. I'm bored as fuck. I don't even want to party anymore. The sex has gotten to the point where it takes more energy than its worth. The blood is tasteless. The alcohol no longer affects me. All the fun shit is gone.

I wonder if I just lay here and slowly desiccate what the hotel staff will do. I would love to see their faces when the see me. I could use the entertainment.

The hotel phone buzzes loudly.

"What?" I answer.

"Elena?" Alaric's familiar voice sounds over the phone.

"What?" I repeat.

"I think you should come home."

I laugh. "No."

"Elena," he sighs. Oh great. A speech. "Elena, Jeremy's dead." Huh…not a speech. I hang up the phone and ignore it when it rings again. And again. And again.

I curl under the itchy blanket, complimentary of whatever hotel I am in, and try to go to sleep. Try is the key word right there. All I see when I close my eyes is blue. Blue eyes. Blue car. Blue.

I open my eyes. "Go home sweetheart. I will be there waiting for you."

"_No one tells me how I live my life, no one tells me who I love, especially not some vindictive prehistoric witch, and definitely not the universe. And I'm not gonna let someone else's idea of destiny stop me from loving you or being with you or building a future with you, because you are my life."_

…

I find myself on a red eye flight back to the states and back in Mystic Hell before I can ever realize what a stupid act I was committing. I hated that flight, so many "happy" people. So many individuals going back to their little "family". Fuck them. What do they know about family, what do they know about love and happiness? They think they understand it, but they haven't lost. They haven't _suffered_. They didn't see the one person they loved above everyone else torn from their lives as quickly as I could snuff the light out of theirs. Fuck them.

Everything looks the same. Shocker there. I decide not to go to the boarding house. I'm sure Stefan and Caroline are living happily ever after and blah blah who fucking cares?

I head to Alaric's apartment instead. I don't even have to knock. The door is open when I reach the top floor.

"Am I that loud?"

"I saw you coming out of my window."

"Creep."

Alaric makes coffee. He pours us both a cup and adds a splash of Bourbon. Good man. We sit in silence and drink our alcoholic coffee.

I want to ask how Jeremy died, but my mouth remains closed. Alaric sets down his mug and smiles at me as if he has read my mind.

"It was peaceful," he says. "Jeremy's death."

I laugh. I seem to do that a lot. Mostly my laugh is humorless. "How can an 18 year old kid have a peaceful death?"

Alaric looks at me strangely. "Elena. What year do you think it is?"

"2011. What year do _you _think it is?"

"Elena-"

"Why do you keep saying my name like that? If you have something to say, spit it out." I snap aggressively.

"Elena…it's 2081. You've been gone for almost 70 years. Jeremy died of old age. He was 88."

What?

"_You are, by far, the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my 173 years on this Earth. I get to die knowing I was loved not just by anyone, but you, Elena Gilbert. It's the epitome of a fulfilled life. It's never gonna get any better than this. I peaked. I love you, Elena. Bye."_

…

This was utterly ridiculous. And so fucking stupid. I hate Mystic Shit. So much. When the plan to blow up the Grill first arose, my first instinct was to shut it down. We couldn't blow up our town. We had grown up here. Our lives were here. I was an idiot. If I could have seen the future, and seen where I am right now, I would have been throwing dynamite or bombs or what the fuck ever everywhere. Hell's Falls would be nothing more than one big as pot hole.

I look at Jeremy's tomb stone. "Loving brother and son" was engraved on it. Clever. I sit down in front of it, but I say nothing. What could I say? Sorry for bailing for 70 years while you lived out your very human life? It wasn't my fault; it was the high I was constantly riding. Yeah, that's fucking retarded.

Alaric gave me the low down on everyone. Caroline and Stefan were a duo. They were also traveling all over the world, trying to enjoy their eternity. Until they were killed. Apparently Qetsiyah's hunters weren't the only supernatural vampire hunters out there. Stefan and Caroline were captured and killed while they were in Paris. That was 10 years ago.

Matt was dead too. Fucking Matt. He closed up the newly remodeled Grill and was walking to his truck when he heard some commotion in the alley way. A psycho with a gun was trying to rob a girl and Matt, being the fucking moron he is, stepped in. He was shot. The psycho was human. That was 60 years ago.

Tyler left Mystic Falls shortly after me. He was in a car wreck that day. It would have been no big deal; he could have healed, if he wasn't completely cut in half. There was no coming back after that.

Alaric was the only one left. Well, Alaric and me, but could you really count me? I was merely the shell of a person. I wipe at the sensation on my cheek in annoyance. I pull my hand back, I gape at it. There is a small tear on my hand. I am crying. I haven't cried since Damon's death. But now, I'm crying. After all these fucking years, it takes one tear and I'm gone. A sob rattles through me so violently that I collapse on my knees. My arms instinctively wrap around my body as I try and hold myself together.

Fuck. I'm one giant, blubbering mess. It's fucking ridiculous and I feel pathetic because of it, but I can't stop. By now, I am sure that tears and snot are taking up 85 percent of my face.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was only going to party it up for a few weeks, maybe months, and then I was going to return to my brother. I wasn't supposed to stay gone for 70 years while the last remaining people that I loved died off. One by one, like fucking final destination.

Absentmindedly, I twist the daylight ring on my finger. I once thought about ending it all. I wrote that in my diary shortly after I was turned, but I turned away from those thoughts because of my brother. Well he is gone. Damon is gone. Bonnie is gone. Everyone is gone. So there wasn't much of a point now was there?

I pulled the ring off and through it fast and far into the darkness of the woods. "That won't do anything," Alaric says behind me. I jump and turn towards him.

"Of course it will. It will no longer prevent me from being a crispy critter. I can be free of this hell I am living in." I explain.

"You really have no idea do you?" He whispered.

"No idea? No idea about what?"

"70 years passed and you didn't even know it, Elena. Don't you think that's strange? How about when I visited you? Didn't you find it odd that it was only me trying to talk some sense into you?"

"No to both. First, I've been high on anything I can get, so it doesn't surprise me that I mindlessly walked through 70 years. Second, I figured the others wanted nothing to do with me. I shrugged it off."

"Dammit, Elena! Are you that stupid? Why would the people who love you give up on you like that? How can you convince yourself of that?"

"It was pretty simple Alaric! They never came! They never attempted to contact me!"

"They couldn't!" he snapped before he could stop himself.

"What do you mean?" I demand.

"Think about it Elena. Thing back to that night. Think hard." I close my eyes and imagine that night. A night I haven't thought about since it happened.

_Damon was speeding through town. "Damon-" I whispered in fear._

"_I know," he replied as he looked at me. Terror was in his eyes. It made my heard jump into my throat. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly before-_

I open my eyes. "I don't remember." I whisper in confusion. Alaric takes my hand and leads me a few plots down to another gravestone.

_Elena Marie Gilbert_

_June 22, 1992-May 15, 2011_

_A loving daughter, a caring sister, and a devoted friend_

_A soul taken away to early_

_Rest in peace_

My eyes water at the sight and then, I remember.

"_What are you staring at? Drive." I told him. He hesitated for a second more before speeding into Mystic Falls. _

"_Hurry! We have to die while we're still vampires, or.." We aren't over the dividing line more than five seconds before I began to choke._

"_No!" he panics and steps on the gas._

"_Damon-" I whispered in fear._

"_I know," he replied as he looked at me. Terror was in his eyes. It made my heard jump into my throat. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly before-_

_I can't describe what happened next. I could see the grill. It was so close. We were going to do this and everything would be okay._

_Everything happened so fast. One second I was sitting in the car, gripping Damon's hand, and bracing for impact and the next second I was standing on the street watching Damon's blue Camaro crash into the grill._

I look at Alaric and he nods at me sadly confirming what I am thinking. I need to say it anyway. "I never made it to the grill, did I?" I whisper.

"No," he says sadly. "You reverted back to a teenage girl that drowned right before the car hit the grill."

"But all these memories!" I shriek. "Passing through Bonnie with Damon, looking at my burnt body, running back to Bonnie, her grabbing me and passing me through, finding Liv gone and the spell over! The crushing agony of realizing Damon was gone! You held me in your arms, Ric! How is that possible?! And how can you see me?"

"The human mind does strange things when it's consumed with grief. You died a human; there was no way you would make it back, and your mind created some sort of mirrored universe for you to live in. One where you lived but Damon died. That is why everything, every hotel room, every club, every person you came in to contact with looks the same. That is why you've gone through 70 years completely unfazed Elena. Because you are dead and you've been stuck in this limbo. I can see and communicate with you because I am your anchor, so to speak. You choose me to be when you imagined me comforting you in the tomb."

I look at Alaric for a moment. Shock was all over my face. I can see it reflected through his eyes. "What do I do?" I whisper.

"You need to accept everything, Elena. You need to accept it so you can move on."

"Accept it," I whisper to myself. I close my eyes and I see it. The past 70 years. Every touch from a person went right through me. Every encounter of sex was just a dream. Every neck I bit into didn't exist. It wasn't real. It isn't real. I'm dead. I've been dead. I've been dead for 70 years.

I feel a hand in mine. I squeeze it tightly. The squeeze is returned. "What about Damon?" I whisper.

"What about me?" I hear a voice ask. My eyes snap open. Damon is there, right in front of me, holding my hand.

"Damon," I breathe. "You're here."

"I promised you," he replied with a flirty smile.

"Are you dead too?" I ask in a whisper.

"Yes. The one part about your made up world that was true was my death. I didn't make it to Bonnie in time. After the other side went down, I tried to find you. I was hoping that you were where we were, but I couldn't find you. It was after what felt like hours of searching that I found out that you were in limbo and would remain so until you saw the truth. Until you saw this." He gestured around.

I laugh humorlessly. "Only took me 70 years," I mutter.

"What is 70 years compared to forever with everyone you love?"

I cock my head and squint at Damon. "What do you mean?"

"Elena," he began. "I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you. I came to Mystic Falls with the intent of destroying it, and even though I played my part of the plan through, a part of me knew, after meeting you on the road all those years ago, that my plan would fail. You changed me with just one look and I am sorry I couldn't admit that. I'm sorry I couldn't be here for you while you walked through limbo alone and in belief that _this_ was your life. I'm here now. We're together now. I've waited for this day for 70 years. I love you, Elena Mare Gilbert, and I know I've said it once, but I will say it again and I will say it every day if you need to hear it. I promise I will _never_ leave you again."

I didn't speak. I couldn't. I've spent all these years wondering around aimlessly and alone. These past decades were spent in misery and all I had to do was remember and accept what happened that night. I could have been with Damon, with everyone, all this time.

I shake my head. I don't want to live in the past. I don't want to think of everything that could have happened. I just want to live. I bury my hands in Damon's hair and kiss him with every ounce of passion.

70 years of hidden grief and loneliness is being poured into this kiss. He holds me gently as I kiss him and cry at the same time. Fuck, I love this man.

When I finally pull away, he continues to cradle my face gentle. "Come on," he whispered. "Let's go."

"Go where?" I ask as he takes my hand and leads me into the darkness.

"To our peace. Everyone is waiting for you."

"Everyone?"

"Yep. You're mom, dad, Jeremy, Jenna, John, Caroline, Bonnie, Matt, and everyone else from Mystic Falls. We've all been waiting for you. We've all me watching you Elena. You were never alone. Not once in these past 70 years." He squeezes my hand and continues to lead me. The darkness soon begins to fade and brightness begins to appear. We stop at the dividing line.

This was it. Peace. One more step, and I will be reunited with everyone I've lost. My heart beats quickly in my chest. I close my eyes and squeeze Damon's hand. I smile as he squeezes it back. I open my eyes and look at him. He nods encouragingly.

I step forward.

…

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Please review! I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one-shot


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